RANSVESTIA

wasn't a conscious effort to quit: it was an involuntary loss of interest. The loss of interest was a result of a change of attitude, which, in turn, was a result of the lengthening period of sobriety. I had learned through reading and examination of my personal experience that my TVism had been a symptom of a common disorder: development of antipathy toward males and maleness and over-adulation of fe- males and femininity. This had stemmed from childhood experiences in which I had been rejected by the father, who was undesirable and unadmirable to me but well-loved and cared for by the mother, who was extremely admirable and lovable. Other males I had met in early and later youth failed to meet my standards for male conduct. Reinforcing my attitude toward females was my education in a Catholic boarding school. Sexual morality was stringently defined

even a thought of "taking liberties" with a female is punishable by eternal damnation unless forgiven in the confessional. Girls at the school were strictly off limits to the boys at the school. Ironically, the penalty for being caught in the company of a girl outside of class or a school program was forced transvestitism. Thus was developed the foundation attitude springing from the emotional disturbance described.

The fact of my presence in a boarding school in the first place was evidence of rejection. All this, however, I did not become aware of till later years, starting in the late teens. Still, one puzzle remains: during my teens to early 50's, before my drinking became a problem to the point where it clearly was alcoholism, I drank only occasionally, and was not particularly interested in drinking. Yet during those years my interest in practicing TVism was thriving, and my efforts to quit by exerting sheer will power failed.

A definition of an alcoholic is one whose personality is changed by drinking so that he conducts himself in ways absolutely foreign to those in which he acts when he is sober; he allows alcohol to inter- fere with some important area of his life — his health, family, or work, or all three; and his drinking is beyond his control, once he starts drinking.

This change in attitude toward TVism is reasonable when one con- siders the effect of alcohol on the personality: since drinking produces a change in thinking, then abstinence from drinking does the same for the alcoholic. At the same time, however, it must be remembered that drinking does destroy the inhibitions which explains why I